Toxic Positivity Is Not Just Annoying—It's Dangerous.

I’ve seen it happen countless times—people recommending a business, a course, a practitioner, or even sharing life experiences as if everything is perfect, when in reality the process was stressful, challenging, potentially damaging, or lacking integrity. They say all the wonderful bits but skip the parts that were actually difficult, confusing, or harmful. I’ve seen it with doctors, schools, modalities, and courses. People told to expect a flood of clients after completing a program sometimes walk away struggling to get any, left with unmet expectations and financial stress. Others recommend practitioners widely praised by the community, even when their behaviour was passive-aggressive, manipulative, or inconsistent, simply because they don’t want to seem negative. And sometimes clients themselves underplay their struggles, saying everything is fine when it’s not, which prevents deeper support and understanding. It’s also the case when people promote a workshop or course as though it will bring life into complete alignment, dissolving every difficulty of the human self into bliss, when in truth those challenges don’t just vanish.

Why People Stay Quiet

Toxic positivity thrives because people don’t want to be seen as negative, dramatic, or ungrateful. There’s this pressure to appear grateful, even when harm has occurred. Many fear that naming issues will make them look difficult or unappreciative. But it’s not just fear—it’s also discomfort. Holding the tension between truth and kindness requires practice, and many people were never shown that it’s possible to be honest without being cruel. Nuanced honesty, where you can say, “This person was kind in some ways, but here’s what concerned me,” is a skill that takes courage and patience. When people skip this practice, the community loses the chance to learn from real experiences.

Toxic Positivity in Relationships

In personal and professional relationships, toxic positivity can show up as pretending everything is okay to avoid “upsetting the apple cart.” People may feel the need to guard their words constantly, anticipating judgment, rejection, or conflict. Some individuals, often difficult to navigate, assume they know exactly how others will react and respond disproportionately, which can make casual interactions feel tense. Over time, this dynamic can train people to hide their authentic reactions, fears, or concerns. But learning to speak your truth calmly and confidently—even when someone misunderstands or reacts poorly—is essential. You can correct misunderstandings, clarify intentions, and maintain your integrity without needing to walk on eggshells. Most people are far more flexible and forgiving than we anticipate.

When Positivity Misleads

• Over-promised Course: Students were told they would easily attract clients through a new modality. After the course, many struggled to gain traction, causing stress, financial strain, and a sense of failure.

• Misleading Recommendation: A practitioner widely praised in the community was actually manipulative and inconsistent. People recommended them anyway, avoiding difficult conversations or being “negative.”

• Understated Client Experience: A client reporting everything was fine actually faced ongoing challenges. By not being fully honest, she missed the opportunity for deeper support and understanding.

How to Give Honest Feedback Gracefully

Nuanced honesty is a skill we can cultivate, and it can transform both personal and professional interactions. Here are some ways to do it:

• Lead with context: Start by acknowledging what was positive.

• Ask permission: “Would you like me to share some challenges I noticed?”

• Be specific: Focus on observable facts, not assumptions or character judgments.

• Balance honesty with compassion: Point out areas for improvement without attacking the person, while appreciating the difficulties that may have influenced their behaviour.

• Offer constructive next steps: If appropriate, suggest how the situation could be improved.

This approach allows you to be truthful without being unkind, protecting relationships while maintaining integrity.

Recognizing Red Flags Without Being Harsh

It’s also important to recognize patterns of concern in people or situations without harsh judgment. Notice recurring behaviours, not isolated incidents. Trust your instincts when something feels off, seek corroboration or multiple perspectives if unsure, and communicate concerns respectfully and factually. Cultivating discernment in everyday life means sharing your real experiences when asked, without oversharing in passing interactions. Normalize that life, work, and learning often include challenges. Providing both positives and hardships creates a culture where nuanced honesty is valued, not shamed.

Cultivating Discernment in Everyday Life

Share your real experiences when asked, without oversharing in passing interactions. Normalize that life, work, and learning include challenges. Provide both positives and hardships when giving advice or recommendations, and encourage others to do the same. This is not heavy or negative; it’s responsible, compassionate, and empowering. By being honest and balanced, you avoid imposing your ideals on others, respect their autonomy, and help them make informed decisions.