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Our choices, the repetitions of our behaviour, and the pervasive thought patterns that define our days are deeply, deeply influenced by our subconscious programming. Most people walk through life on a loop, repeating the same actions in the same way and reciting the same tired stories, yet they are baffled when life continues to work out in the exact same way. If you have never taken the time to look at yourself, to analyze your family history, to reflect, and to take genuine accountability for your growth, you are essentially letting a silent program sit in the driver’s seat of your vehicle. Especially as an adult, this is a dangerous way to navigate the world.
Subconscious programming is often filled with nonsense or survival-driven patterns. It consists of defense mechanisms and beliefs formed in early childhood, sometimes for trivial reasons, sometimes as a response to deep trauma, yet we carry them into adulthood, treating them as absolute truths. To be a conscious human being is to recognize that the subconscious is a survival system, not a source of wisdom. It scans environments and gives your body suggestions about danger, but it is not a reliable narrator of reality. To go through life at forty or fifty operating with the same programming you had at ten, fifteen, or twenty is astonishing. Too often, people spend decades seeking validation from others rather than asking the hard questions: Which beliefs are truly driving this situation? What is the original source of these patterns, decisions, or illusions?
True awareness involves the process of shadow work and inner child healing. It is about looking at the hidden parts of yourself that manifest in your reactions, your choices, and sometimes even your physical health. When problems arise, are you reactive or are you analytical? We do not have to be so self-righteous about ourselves. Awareness means seeing the illusions of what we think the world should be and pushing them aside to achieve clarity. Clarity is a clear thought process where you can be presented with a situation and make a choice appropriate to the present moment, not one fueled by background noise, old wounds and conditioning. We must learn to drive our own bus; allowing trauma and conditioning to steer is a terrible way to live. I realized recently, even in my dreams, that when I cannot drive the bus, it is my own insight telling me that I am not seeing clearly, that something else is influencing my opinion.
Ancestral Echoes and the Alchemy of Trauma
This drive to understand the "why" behind our behaviour is often rooted in where we come from. My own history is a tapestry of varied generational influences. On my father’s side, the Silent Generation, my grandparents were part of the Greatest Generation, fleeing Europe during World War II after losing a staggering number of family members. They responded to that trauma differently: my grandmother remained heavily traumatized, while my grandfather took action by joining the army once he landed in Australia. My mother’s side, a Boomer perspective, included grandparents who also served in World War 2, with one of them experiencing a terrible tragedy during the war. I grew up with a very European, Austrian upbringing on one side, and a mix of Irish, Scottish, and English pioneer roots on the other.
As I grew older, I felt a deep connection to these different lineages for various reasons. Growing up, I was drawn to Austrian culture and food, but later in life, I found a different kind of resonance with my Scottish-Irish heritage. This history matters because it carries a "boatload" of handed-down trauma, conditioning, and values that shape development, upbringing, and parenting. I lost my father when I was thirteen, having essentially lost him at twelve when he became seriously ill. I have experienced a lot of trauma in my life, endured dark and difficult periods, yet I have always maintained a growth mindset and valued personal development. I have grown through my experiences. They have shaped my character, strengthened my resilience, and deepened both my appetite for spiritual growth and my yearning for intentional community. They have also cultivated a dark sense of humour, a way of making light of the profound tragedies we sometimes experience and witness on this extraordinary journey of being human. demanding planet and society. They have also helped me celebrate the simplicity of ordinary moments while cultivating an appreciation for states of inner advancement.
There is a tendency in modern psychology to label people as "damaged" if they carry wounds, as though they can no longer see clearly. To me, this perspective is deeply flawed. Many of the most insightful, strong, and community-minded people I know have alchemized their darkest experiences into incredible strength and wisdom. My own stories are not a source of shame, they are my history. They have given me a depth of compassion that makes me relatable, allowing others to feel safe sharing their deepest truths with me because they know I understand. Moving beyond being a slave to one’s deficits and wounds requires resilience and a commitment to personal evolution.
The Child as the Greatest Teacher
Parenting is perhaps the most profound mirror we will ever look into, poking at our most vulnerable, hidden spots in ways we could never anticipate. If you are struggling with your child, more often than not, it is because you are not accepting the soul that is actually standing in front of you. Instead, you are exhausted from trying to turn them into a "different" child, one who would be more comfortable, more predictable, or more compliant for you to parent. This friction isn't a sign of failure; it is an opportunity to look at where you remain rigid, conditioned, or trapped in an illusion of how life "should" look. We carry the heavy values, ethics, and cultural expectations of the places and generations we grew up in, the Austrian stoicism, the pioneer grit, the Silent Generation’s unspoken rules and when a child challenges those structures, it feels like a threat to our very identity.
There is no shame in this struggle, but there is a choice. You can be the parent who understands that your child has come here to be your teacher, or you can be the parent who resists that teaching and seeks to dominate. When a child’s natural depth threatens the self-righteous image a parent has constructed, that parent often projects their own issues back onto the child, labeling them "problematic" rather than looking at their own fear of shame or their own refusal to evolve. My own son has been a massive teacher for me in this regard. He started as a little "wise old man," possessing a level of intelligence, wisdom, moral compass, and insight that surpasses most adults. He did not always reveal that depth to the world, often being underestimated by those who only saw the surface, but watching him navigate the world now as a level-headed, motivated, and considered young person is a joy.
However, his evolution highlights a stark and difficult contrast. It shows the difference between those who take accountability and those who remain stuck in a loop of blame. I have watched people stay identical for years, using the same excuses and the same "stories" to justify a total lack of maturity. When you see a child, or a young adult, who is leagues ahead in their ability to be impartial and observational, it exposes the warped biases of those who refuse to grow. A child can help you evolve into a higher version of yourself, or you can destroy that child’s spirit because the light they shine on your own subconscious programming is too bright for you to handle. It is far easier to shout at the person challenging you than it is to dismantle the illusion of your own perfection.
Stepping Back to Allow Growth
Beyond internal work, we must also examine the external systems that keep people trapped in cycles of immaturity. I have witnessed individuals who have not matured a single bit in decades, repeating the same stories and excuses, avoiding accountability, and refusing to evolve. More often than not, these are people who grew up in environments where they were worshipped and protected excessively. When a parent steps in to resolve every conflict, they are not helping, they are robbing that person of the essential opportunity to develop and stunting their growth. I have seen situations where a parent calls to resolve a conflict for their "baby," a fully grown adult in their forties. This tells you everything you need to know: because these individuals were never allowed to navigate situations on their own, they never learned the mechanics of resolution, accountability, or self-awareness.
Instead of developing internal strength, these individuals learn to recruit others to do their bidding. They become highly skilled at using guilt, manipulation, and victim tactics to maintain the illusion of their own perfection, essentially trying to turn everyone they meet into an "employee" of their personal campaign. Anything that challenges their ego or exposes their biases is met with anger, intimidation, or aggression. It is a defense mechanism designed to protect an illusion that was never allowed to be dismantled.
If someone comes to you with a sob story that makes you feel compelled to “fix” it for them, let that be a red flag. Step back. By stepping in, you are participating in the very cycle that prevents them from driving their own bus. No one can give them, or you, the ultimate answers; the missing pieces can only be discovered by allowing space for independent problem-solving.
This principle applies to children as well. We are guides, not the sole source of knowledge. We must learn when to support and when to step back. If we constantly save them, they never learn to navigate challenges or resolve issues on their own. Whether a child or another adult, give them the space to grow, to evolve, and to find their own solutions. Stop trying to turn people into versions of themselves that make you comfortable. Stand back, examine your own programming, and allow the people in your life the dignity of their own evolution.
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